I was watching this series called "Obsession Dark Desires" and it is just so crazy! It's basically about people who either try to end a relationship or get freaked out (or whatever the case might be) by another person's actions and so they try to cut off all ties with them and that person doesn't want to let go so they stalk them and keep imposing in on their victims' lives because they are obsessed. It's the mentality of "If I can't have them then nobody else can either" which is ridiculous in its own right. Some victims end up getting some kind of relief once that person is finally put in prison, only after having endured such chaos with them. Or, sometimes, the obsessed individual can't let go and they kill their victim or attempt to if it isn't successful. I don't get it... If someone felt pushed to that point to cut all ties with another then how hard is it for that person to walk away? Or, how does that person not understand that the situation had to be so damaging that the other person wanted them completely out of their life? Then, the victim has to take extreme measures just to feel a sense of peace but the crazy person always finds a way to creep back in, which causes more stress to the victim, and it's just a vicious cycle until they are locked up
0 Comments
I constantly wish I could have do-overs in life. I think I wrote about this before but it's something that is continuously on my mind and I really wish it could be true at times. I sometimes wish I could do the military experience over, I probably wouldn't have done it at that time in my life like I did the first time around, but I think I could have gone longer than I did or maybe not. I think it was for the best, for the most part though, that I was discharged because maybe my life could have went another direction that would have been less than desirable, but in the same token, it could have also been the best thing to happen to me. I will never know, however. So, I guess it's not about do-overs but more or less about how I wish I could see how both endings would turn out if I make either decision in a situation. Like, what if I
I have been asking everyone in my life, recently, if my mood changes were noticeable. All of them said that they were EXTREMELY noticeable... That made me feel some kind of way. For me, I don't feel that shift in mood. It just feels like a smooth transition. I don't know if that really makes sense but I'm trying to put it into understandable terms for everyone. I do know, or recognize, that I do have mini "episodes" where I flip out on someone for no reason and then I end up apologizing for my outburst. So, maybe that's what everyone is talking about? I am really trying to work on it. I don't like having those feelings
I feel so much better after having gotten that out of my system. I reread it 1000 times trying to wrap my mind around it and if I was truly comfortable enough to publish the blog. I finally just did it without putting in too much thought about it. I also chose the month of April as the time to "reveal" this "secret" because it's Sexual-Awareness Month, along with a few other types of awareness's. I'm proud of myself for doing this; it helped to lift a weight off of my shoulders i hadn't realized was there. I just feel like I couldn't hold it in anymore and it's not like I've never told ANYONE but I have never put it out there so openly and freely out to the world like I did. I am happy with my decision.
I pre-wrote this on 3/27 just in case I chickened out by the time it came time to write this blog… I didn’t mean for this to be a climatic event and like it was an “extravagant” type of situation but I waited so long because I kept going back and forth about whether it was “appropriate” or not to post on here but I have to do this. This is for ME whether anyone cares about it or not. So here it goes… In the military, before I was discharged in tech school, in between me being a holdover (when you’re waiting to be discharged so you clean up or do random shit on the base, I mostly attended my therapy appts so I didn’t care) and being placed in class until I was able to be sent home, there were definitely some wild moments. I actually enjoyed being a holdover and hanging out all day with the others but I’m going to cut to the chase with this…While there, I ended up fooling around with this guy who I’ll just simply call “D.” He was a cool, chill guy and we connected at random, maybe while watching a movie with the other holdovers, but I’m not sure. I’m not even completely sure how everything began with us, but there we were, crushing, or rather lusting, on each other. One night, we snuck into this storage closet just to hang out, talk, and be alone and everything was all good. We talked about our day and joked around, but as I went to leave out of the closet to head back to my room, he started pressuring me about sex. I ended up falling back into the chairs that were in there because he was kind of blocking the doorway. I tried to laugh and play it off but I felt extremely uncomfortable.
I wasn’t comfortable and even attempted to avoid it altogether by leaving but it also doesn’t fucking matter if I had agreed all those other times. I DIDN’T AGREE to that act and there was no reason or indication that I wanted him to continue. I said NO and not in a “sexy, kinky” way where I consensually gave myself to him and really meant “yes” as I him gave the go-ahead to keep going. I meant this NO and how dare my “friend” even make that call. I don’t care if I was sitting there, naked and in his face, if I said a definite NO to the act then that’s all that it should’ve been. I used to think that I was wrong for going in there, knowing he would possibly expect sex, but I didn’t think that he would just run with it after I clearly expressed to him that I didn’t come in there for that. We had hung out without sex before and I thought this would be similar. Nevertheless, after my shower, I found myself wandering the halls as everyone returned back to the barracks. I ran into my friend, Hotten, and I decided to confide in him about the situation. We went into the weight room and I told him everything. He told me to stay away from him. Then, the next day, I found myself back in another storage closet with D. It was in the daytime, with other soldiers around, and I somehow felt empowered that things would go down differently, that I would take charge this time. I know it sounded like a bad idea and it probably was as a repeat could have easily ensued.
I am definitely prolonging the "big announcement" I kept waiting all year to discuss. I am so nervous to talk about it and I want to be brave and just LET IT OUT ALREADY because I'm partially over it and I know I am not alone in that situation but this will be a whole new level of me opening myself up on my blog site. I try to post what I feel on here, but I also know that this is an online "diary," meaning that it's open to the PUBLIC and there are some things I choose to keep to myself because exposing my life like that puts me in a very vulnerable place. Also, it's healthy to have secrets to yourself about yourself. However, this one issue has been pressing on my mind for so long and I know that I will feel so relieved if I could just DO it and just get it out there. I don't want to feel afraid anymore or scared to be judged for it. I know that people are going to talk regardless of if you're doing good or bad and that's just how life goes. I want to be courageous and not feel like I have to hide this part of my life because I am not my "mistakes" and I am the master of my own destiny. I can do this, I CAN.
No, my graduation was not the big announcement. I know I keep lingering about saying what I have to say but my graduation was such a great celebration that I didn't want to "darken" the mood with it. Outside of that, there is just so much clouding my mind and I am trying to work through all of it. I have so much to figure out... I have to get past this...Well, this post is about my growth through my Instagram. I always talk about how I am able to look back over my blog posts and see my transition but I really took a look at my social media and I can see it there, too. When I first started my Instagram, I was still in this "wannabe
|
About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
|