I wasn’t comfortable and even attempted to avoid it altogether by leaving but it also doesn’t fucking matter if I had agreed all those other times. I DIDN’T AGREE to that act and there was no reason or indication that I wanted him to continue. I said NO and not in a “sexy, kinky” way where I consensually gave myself to him and really meant “yes” as I him gave the go-ahead to keep going. I meant this NO and how dare my “friend” even make that call. I don’t care if I was sitting there, naked and in his face, if I said a definite NO to the act then that’s all that it should’ve been. I used to think that I was wrong for going in there, knowing he would possibly expect sex, but I didn’t think that he would just run with it after I clearly expressed to him that I didn’t come in there for that. We had hung out without sex before and I thought this would be similar. Nevertheless, after my shower, I found myself wandering the halls as everyone returned back to the barracks. I ran into my friend, Hotten, and I decided to confide in him about the situation. We went into the weight room and I told him everything. He told me to stay away from him. Then, the next day, I found myself back in another storage closet with D. It was in the daytime, with other soldiers around, and I somehow felt empowered that things would go down differently, that I would take charge this time. I know it sounded like a bad idea and it probably was as a repeat could have easily ensued. I forgot what he said but I ended up pushing him into the chairs and left the closet feeling less scared of him. I always wished I would’ve pushed him harder that day but seeing him stumble was a small victory for me and then I really did stay away from him. Later that week, D ended up coming across Hotten and told him that he (Hotten) didn’t have a chance with me and that I didn’t like him in that way. He also told HIM to stay away from ME! The nerve! I don’t remember what Hotten said back (as this was almost 5 years ago) but I know that he stood up for me and pretty much told him to fuck off and to stay away from me. For years, I thought about that night with “D” and it still doesn’t seem real as if I’m reliving someone else’s memory. I kept thinking if maybe I had wanted it and lied to myself all these years and blaming myself for maybe not doing something differently or if maybe I didn’t try hard enough to make it stop, but although it was so long ago, I came to realize that I had DEFINITELY NOT wanted to go through that with him, even though we had consensual sex before. He was drunk and made it painfully obvious that he was going to take it regardless and I was his easy target to make it happen. I can’t keep blaming myself for his actions and thinking about the what-ifs anymore. He will not be my demise anymore. He will not consume my thoughts anymore. That’s all I had to say…
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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