I pre-wrote this on 3/27 just in case I chickened out by the time it came time to write this blog… I didn’t mean for this to be a climatic event and like it was an “extravagant” type of situation but I waited so long because I kept going back and forth about whether it was “appropriate” or not to post on here but I have to do this. This is for ME whether anyone cares about it or not. So here it goes… In the military, before I was discharged in tech school, in between me being a holdover (when you’re waiting to be discharged so you clean up or do random shit on the base, I mostly attended my therapy appts so I didn’t care) and being placed in class until I was able to be sent home, there were definitely some wild moments. I actually enjoyed being a holdover and hanging out all day with the others but I’m going to cut to the chase with this…While there, I ended up fooling around with this guy who I’ll just simply call “D.” He was a cool, chill guy and we connected at random, maybe while watching a movie with the other holdovers, but I’m not sure. I’m not even completely sure how everything began with us, but there we were, crushing, or rather lusting, on each other. One night, we snuck into this storage closet just to hang out, talk, and be alone and everything was all good. We talked about our day and joked around, but as I went to leave out of the closet to head back to my room, he started pressuring me about sex. I ended up falling back into the chairs that were in there because he was kind of blocking the doorway. I tried to laugh and play it off but I felt extremely uncomfortable. I could smell alcohol on his breath as he got into my face, saying something about “Come on” as he kept making sexual advances that I didn’t want nor care for. I tried for the door one more time, and next thing you know, my pants were down. Like, really, it seemed to be in one swift motion that he had exposed my lower body by undoing everything so quickly and I don’t mean that romantically either. I was scared and I didn’t want to be in there anymore. I found myself leaned up against the wall, with my face smashed up into it, as he inserted himself into me. I repeatedly told him “NO” and that I didn’t want to do this but he wasn’t listening, or rather not HEARING me, and he kept going anyways. I felt like I was suffocating against that wall and I didn’t know what to think. I just froze up, still pressed up on the wall. I don’t even think any thoughts crossed my mind; I mentally checked out, and as stupid as it sounds, I was too afraid to call out because I didn’t want to get in trouble for us having been in the closet in the first place (as if THAT were the bigger issue in that moment). It didn’t seem like the actual act lasted that long but it felt like we had been in that closet for forever and everything had blurred together. Over the years, I’ve fixated on that experience, and I realized that he REALLY didn’t care about what he was doing. I say that because, when we had fooled around before, we had used protection, but this time, he just went for it when he was usually so careful about being safe in sex (not that it would have changed anything but maybe I would have had more time to get the fuck out of this closet if he had taken the time to do that) and then he finished inside of me and backed off. I pulled up my pants and hurried up to get the hell up out of there and flew down the hall to my room. I didn’t bother to button everything back up; I just wanted to not be in there with him anymore. The halls were empty; everyone was either out and about on the base or I don’t know where they were but it was bare and very quiet. Once I made it to my room, I threw my uniform off, and hopped in the shower. I sank to the shower floor and cried until the water got cold. I got out, got dressed (in clean clothes), and laid in my bed, processing what had just happened. Also, years later, I told one of my guy friends about this and he said something along the lines of “since you two had already fucked before then it wasn’t rape.” How fucking ridiculous and insensitive. Yes, we had had consensual sex previously, and I don’t deny that, but that doesn’t change the fact that he forced himself onto me after I kept telling him NO and to STOP.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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