This is not to alarm anyone (at least, not at this moment) but I am still reading through my journals, it is 3:27 AM and I think I came across my suicide letter, one of them at least. I have honestly written about 7 of them. What even sparked me to write one was that if I committed suicide, I wanted to have my final words be, well.. final. I didn't want to leave "holes" to my death and nobody know or understand why. I have already prolonged this enough. Here it is:
1 Comment
I finally dug up my journals out of my storage closet and read over them, as I always do. I see that I have evolved so much, not only in my writing but in life in general. First: my writing. I was definitely "younger" and it showed. I used to do the abbreviations and smiley faces, just tacky. I had no real "flow" to my writing and my thoughts were scattered, as was my journaling. My mind will still race at a thousand miles from time to time, but as I grow, it has become a little easier to gather my mind, at least long enough to write about whatever it is. I also moved from
This is a random rant about my body and the choices I make to it. Yes, I have dreads, tattoos, and piercings. No, I am not whatever perception you have of me, especially the bad kind. I hate when some people are asking me about my tattoos and they're all like, "What about when you get older?", or "Are you done getting all those tattoos yet?". NO!!! Okay, so shut the fuck up! I will worry about my tattoos on my saggy, old body when it comes to that time. I also don't even plan on being all saggy and wrinkly anyways. I want to be a fitness-guided, tattooed, kick-ass grandma and no one will be able to tell me otherwise when that time comes.
I hate that I take forever to blog and let weeks pass before you guys hear from me again. I am still alive and breathing!!! I have been so busy with work and school (as always) that I am either too tired to blog or too drunk to collect my thoughts, sometimes. I am excited to say that I am leaving to California next month for a week or so vacation with my friend Sienna (Katherine). I need this getaway, let me tell you! I am out of my wits end and I need to relax and enjoy some club scenery. I am not about to go down there and go wild but I do plan on having a good time.
I have been drinking a lot lately. I don't think I am an alcoholic or have a problem exactly but I do feel as if I am turning into someone else. I don't know if I completely like this change or not either. I feel as if I drink now because I feel so sad about something deep down. Maybe it's just me feeling irrational fears and creating the problem but it is there and I want to fight it and make it go away. I have been so angry with everything, I don't know if I am truly happy with life right now. I have sat in my car contemplating if today is the day; should I end it all now
Sometimes I want to reinvent myself; give myself a makeover in life. I don't mean physically, although I wouldn't exactly turn that down, but I mean in a different manner. I want to be someone else sometimes. I want to pack up everything and move far away and throw myself into the world. I want to venture out and meet new people and it's not that I want to travel, I could move to a different city and be content with that. I want to be known as someone better than whatever I am now. You're reading this and you're probably thinking why don't I just do it?
|
About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
|