I have been drinking a lot lately. I don't think I am an alcoholic or have a problem exactly but I do feel as if I am turning into someone else. I don't know if I completely like this change or not either. I feel as if I drink now because I feel so sad about something deep down. Maybe it's just me feeling irrational fears and creating the problem but it is there and I want to fight it and make it go away. I have been so angry with everything, I don't know if I am truly happy with life right now. I have sat in my car contemplating if today is the day; should I end it all now or keep pressing on? Obviously I chose to keep pressing on but it scares me to know how easily that thought can cross my mind. It's like I am unafraid of it anymore and it seems to be the solution to everything. I know suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My Captain always told me that but that doesn't make it go away. I'm not saying exactly suicidal right now but the thought has crossed my mind a little too much for comfort lately. I just wish I didn't feel this nagging emptiness inside myself because it has always caused me so much hardship within myself and I don't know how to make it stop. I am sorry if I am rambling but it is almost 7 in the morning, I got off work a few hours ago and realized I hadn't blogged in awhile. I'm sorry this is what I open with but I had to get this off my chest. Good night, good morning readers...
2 Comments
Lisa
10/19/2014 07:26:14 am
Hey love! I keep being drawn to your blog because it reminds me so much of my younger self. While we all have a different journey and story, so much of what you share reminds me of the road I have been on. I could share journal entries with you that are eerily familiar. Here's the good news - shit gets better. It does. Really. Sometimes you have to take things into your own hands and make choices that are really, really difficult but it's ok to be selfish sometimes and make decisions for you. Sometimes things just suck. And you'll always have these cycles. But if you have great people around you who can listen to you bitch, complain, talk crazy, whatever, then that's half the battle. Hang in there, beautiful. You've got this and I think you're pretty amazing. Holler at me if you ever want to chat!
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Breigh
10/27/2014 07:43:18 am
Thank you for reading my blog. Sometimes I feel like I blog aimlessly and no one ever reads it. Although I only started this to be an online journal that someone might happen to stumble upon, I feel awesome to know that I do have a few readers. I agree that things do suck sometimes and I go through those periods of self-doubt and depression where I feel stuck and I can't get myself out of it but I always find a way. We all have different journeys but in the end, the journey is what makes us who we are. I hope you get this reply...Thank you again for being a reader and also responding. The feedback is always helpful and inspiring to me.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
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