So, to recap, I ended up getting this job as an overnight residential technician at this nonprofit organization. I started 2 days ago and I like it so far but that's not what I'm blogging about. One thing, I find about annoying about myself, is that it seems to take me forever to know exactly what's wrong, at least pinpoint it. My body is usually the first thing to know what's happening. What I mean by that is that for, the past week, I have been DROWNING in my sleep and drenched in sweat. I get night sweats anyway (I'm not embarrassed to admit, I don't care) but lately it's been over the top and I am beyond exhausted because of it. I couldn't figure out what was different and FINALLY I think I've come to a conclusion. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed/anxious and I've been melting in my sleep because it's like my body is in the fight-or-flight response and I'm in a more relaxed state, allowing it to occur, because I'm trying to hold my shit together during the day. Maybe most people can identify their emotions but this is about me (a little self-centered of myself, right? Oh well) but I have trouble expressing myself and I've written about this numerous of times. My mind is scattered but I can think of a few things that my sadness is stemming from. Also, I've been at the bar more, and not to get drunk, just having a beer or 2 and going home. However, I notice that I feel more drawn to go there when I'm trying to sort out my thoughts, which I know is a little strange seeing as how I'm in a place with a bunch of people but something about the more is comforting; it feels nonjudgmental. I'm just trying to not feel this sadness because I don't want to keep feeling this way and not because I'm "sad & struggling" in the words of my ex-husband but just the ups and downs that is life and in mine presently. I want to talk to my dad, he always makes me feel better and helps me put my scattered thoughts into perspective. He's just busy at work so I have to catch him at the right time but, right now, I just need my dad... Goodnight.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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