There has been so much on my mind these past few weeks. I just have all of these thoughts floating around in my head and I keep trying to "wipe" them away but to no avail. I have been trying to fall in love with the new place but I'm actually kind of homesick (apartment sick?) about the old place. We were there for 3 years and I loved the management so much. I was actually very sad to even tell them we were moving to another place. I keep thinking about my medication and how I know I feel when I take it but then some people make me feel bad for taking it by saying shit like "It's all in your head, everyone has problems. You've just got to be peaceful and forget all of the negativity." It hasn't all been in those exact but that about sums it up. First off, YES! It is in my head! That's why I am taking the medication! I don't mean "in my head" as the form of mockery I feel people bestow upon the term when THEY are talking about it, but just that there are things happening up there that I am working on and trying to better understand for myself. No one knows what I feel like during the lows and the highs, not really. Half of the time I don't even want to talk to anyone about it because they make me feel silly (if that's the term I'm looking for; close enough) for even bringing it up or they try to generalize it and that pisses me off even more. So, I just go on and I try to deal with it by myself, like I've always done, even if it hasn't always been the best of solutions. I would rather deal with it alone, most of the time, then to feel ridiculed (still not sure if that's the word I'm wanting but moving on) or like some kind of hypochondriac. I just know what I feel and I don't know what else there is to say about it... I also keep thinking about my eldest sister, Vanetta, and how she's never really liked me and vice versa. I think maybe when I was younger but that's about all. Fast forward to our "rivalry" over her going out of her to do things with OUR dad and brother, but excluding me, which felt like on purpose and I'm sure it was. I can't even believe the rift. We talked briefly and tried to have that sister bond after my brother's passing but it was VERY SHORT LIVED. There's a lot on my mind outside of that, but I think I might have covered the bases. Goodnight.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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