I met with this guy and I can't remember our conversation, well, the conversation that led to this point, but I basically told him I was a self-admitted, or self-proclaimed, pessimist. He said that he was more of a hopeful pessimist or whatever. What he said isn't really the point of this post. It reminded me of the conversation I had with my friend the other day and he said he hopes I change my thought process in the future and to keep smiling. I basically told him that life on earth is just suffering, with a few good days in between to make it not seem so bad all the time. I literally told him that. I also told him that I try to be realistic and we're born to die. I have always had such a dark outlook on life. Don't get me wrong, I did not experience some terrible childhood trauma to where I just said "fuck life" and gave up on it. I honestly don't remember when my mind went down this path but here I am now, with the same bad habits and thought processes. I don't know what it is or what's wrong with me. Some days I want to live life to the fullest and I smile and other days I want to take a bunch of pills, slit my wrists, and leave a suicide note, explaining how sorry I am. There is definitely an imbalance of more negativity on my scale but somehow I make it through the day, with a smile on my face. Honestly, I don't know how I hold myself together when all I think about is just how sad and empty I feel deep down. It's like the sadness keeps growing and I try to quiet it down by drowning it out with laughter and love. It is true that those who hurt the most often try to keep others happy because they know what it is like to have pain and want to shield others from it. I write because I have to breathe sometimes and just let it out. I love all of you and I'm happy someone out there cares what I have to say, even if it can be hard to read at times.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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