I have been so depressed lately and so stressed out. I knew that it was coming on because I could feel it trying to rear its ugly head to the forefront of my mind and my emotions and I kept trying to hold it off as long as I could but I lost in the end. For at least 2 weeks, I barricaded myself in my apartment with these feelings of emptiness and "blahness." I barely had the desire to shower and I had to give myself a pep talk everyday just to do so. I immersed myself in painting as something to distract myself from this deep sadness I felt in my soul that I couldn't seem to stop. I experienced these crying spells for what seemed like no reason and I felt/ I feel so inconsolable. It's been a whole month and I still feel WAY down. I mean, I have slowly been working through it and I might not be moving at the speed that everyone around me is wanting, I'm not even moving as quickly as I would even like, but I don't know how to just "snap" out of it. I feel this overwhelming heartache inside and everyday it just hurts.It's this physical pain as if your heart is trying to rip itself out of your chest and it's this emotional pain where you feel everything so intensely that you end up feeling blank and numb at the same time. I feel myself fading away and I can even see it in my physical appearance how much I'm hoping I could just be "swept" away. I lost 20 lbs from stress, and other factors, but still. I don't look like a skeleton or anything, just smaller. My eyes have that sunken look to them with these bags underneath them, probably from dehydration and lack of rest. I have been having these weird dreams/nightmares and the worst night sweats. To add on to existing "conditions," I never fully healed my H. Pylori and I haven't made much of an attempt to go get the second round of treatment for it, either, which means my ulcers will not completely heal if I don't kill off that bacteria first. I woke up feeling dizzy and lightheaded a few days ago and I really felt like it was the end. I don't mean the end as in death was near but the end as in maybe this was the first sign of my body slowly deteriorating and my health on the the decline. I think it was from being so dehydrated but I was not a happy camper that day at all. Anyways, all of this to say that I need this to end. I don't want to feel like this. I feel like I'm watching myself fall deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole and into the darkness.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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