Back when I thought I was just so suicidal and couldn't go on in life anymore, I remember feeling such despair and hopeless. I remember telling anyone who cared enough to ask "Why?" what was going thru my mind. I felt like I was a burden on everyone, my family, what little friends I had. I didn't care if every single person told me they loved me or that their world would come crashing down if I were to end my own life so devastatingly, I wanted to give up. My captain from AIT would always tell me that suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I thought to myself "I don't care, I'll never have a single problem again if I'm dead." I was always stressed, tired, withdrawn, angry for no reason. I was depressed and NOTHING could make that pain and resentment I felt within myself go away, not anyone nor anything. I cried myself to sleep, hoping, almost praying I wouldn't wake up to see another day. When I did wake up, to another bright and shining day, I would be even more upset than before, asking God how could He/She keep such a waste of life here on earth. I didn't understand why I felt like this and I wanted it to go away so badly. I have written maybe 5 suicide notes and I started to write them mainly because most suicides happen and nobody really knows how they ended up there and how they let that person slip thru the cracks. No, I wanted my note to be as detailed as possible so questions could be answered even after my passing. I thought I made it as beautiful, yet heart breaking, as I could. I bled my heart and soul into those words, as tears weld up in my eyes. Honestly, though, my decision on not to end my life wasn't because of how "missed" I'd be or how sad all the people that "care" about me most would be. I was scared to go to Hell. I knew suicide was an abomination and I couldn't fathom that I would spend an eternity there when maybe I could have had a chance to see the Gates of Heaven. I love Jesus and all that is Him but I am not an extremely religious person and I might still not make it to some golden throne, partying it up with the angels but I didn't want to send myself to the darkness any faster than I had to be... As I write this, I am getting a little tired as it is almost 2 a.m. but you get the jest of it. Good night readers...
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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