It all started when I asked a friend of mine if he "had ever been so sad that his body physically hurt." He said "no and I kind of hate asking him anything like that because it's usually a no, which I'm happy for him in that aspect because it's a shitty feeling. Anyways, it got me thinking a lot about physical pain which has been proven to have a connection with someone experiencing depression, but this isn't a science listen. What's on my mind is that I hate being stuck in a depression and feeling like I can't crawl out of this hole that I subconsciously dug myself. It's like experiencing the "fight or flight" response in your brain, only I have always been more of a "freeze" type of individual (which "fight, flight, or freeze" is now the term as of more recent years). It's like being stuck in a brain maze and you're paralyzed from the overwhelming realization that there are so many paths but not all lead you to where you need to be. That's how it feels to me inside my body; kind of "removed" and blank as I foggily scramble to deal with the stress and crippling depression. To answer my own question: I have definitely felt so sad that my body ached and lifting the simplest of things seems to be a daunting task and like it takes more energy than usual. One last thing before I sign off is being on the depressive spectrum and kind of missing the high of the manic side. Being manic, sometimes, doesn't always mean it's the BEST thing for you as it comes with its own "side effects" to tackle, but it is definitely better than being down and unmotivated. Also, being down, for me at least, is how I struggle with trying to voice that I'm down to others. A part of me wants to not bring it up at all because of it being something that's not always relatable to others and not wanting to come off as whiny, even though I truly am hurting and keeping it tucked away hurts me as well. The other part of me, however, wants to fight past my own fears and I want to just be able to have a meltdown and feel safe to be vulnerable to help heal myself. Well, I know I will get through this, but it's just hard when it is something to have to deal with currently and I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. Irrational thinking, I know, but it be like that, sometimes.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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