Late last night, I found myself googling about life, like I usually do. Well, it's always something specific I'm googling that lands me into another search and that actually ends up being the very thing I'm looking for. Last night, I think I was initially reading about "twin flames" (it's an interesting topic if you take the time to learn about it), and that led me to articles about twins whose twins died in the womb. I kept replaying this conversation I had with one of my friends over and over from over a week ago and that's what really got me thinking. He said that the type of music I listen to always seems so sad and like I'm missing something. I told him he was correct and proceeded to actually find the word that meant exactly that. Both words "hiraeth" and "sehnsucht" help to encompass those feelings. Neither of those words are of the English language but they describe my feelings perfectly. However, in finding these words to explain my state of mind, I had completely forgot that I am a twin. I would always say I WAS a twin to people but it never felt right because I'm still a pair in a twin set but it's just that my twin never got to experience actual life with me on this earth. I finally found the term for such a twin whose twin died in the womb and that word is "twinless twin." All of that was to say that I grieved for my twin so deeply when I found out. I still grieve because I am constantly longing for something that can never exist with me in this life again. I will never know what life could have been like had she or he been there every step of the way. I've been reading others' stories about being a womb survivor and having experienced such early loss. It's a real thing to feel distress for a twin you never actually got to meet but you can still feel that bond with them, even though this bond mainly exists within your subconscious. Before I knew I was a twin, I had always felt this emptiness and I didn't know how to fill this void. It made so much sense when I knew my twin had never survived and I knew then that my emptiness came from these unresolved feelings of being a "womb twin survivor." I still have so much to say about this topic but my sleeping pill has kicked in and I can barely keep typing. I wrote most of this earlier luckily but I'm about to pass out now.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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