This post is probably going to be one of the "realest" post I've ever blogged (at least in the top few) but I'm feeling good about it and it might be a part 2 that follows... I was vague about the details of my life a few posts back and I said I'd touch on them later, and this is that post... You know I've made the decision to leave my (*vexatious) marriage and I moved out of state. Well, I moved to Clearwater, FL with my boyfriend, whom I love dearly. It WAS and HAS NOT been the smoothest transition and I've gone through (and am currently) going through what can only be described as the "5 Stages of Grief" and it's definitely an unpleasant experience. Also, I (embarrassingly) admit that I dragged my (soon to be ex) husband into my new relationship (insert huge gasp!) by asking him for "help." My thinking was that, after all the years we'd been together, he'd know me so well and could help me fix my "flaws" for my now. I wanted him to be my friend (which is what I'd always wanted him to just be, rather than my actual husband)and that backfired because I just knew that he was secretly gloating (despite him lying, saying he wasn't) and him making a post, insinuating he's basically happy at my "misfortune" and that I was "sad and struggling" (he actually used those words), even though he didn't name me explicitly, I know better from that "broad" statement. I am definitely feeling regret and resentment of my own actions, thinking I could confide in someone I'm divorcing, but the other part of me is THANKFUL for the encounter because it makes those stages flow more easily. I mean, here I was, sulking and apologetic to him because I recognized what I could've done better to maybe have had a more successful marriage and instead how I can apply those changes to my current relationship. It was freeing for me to admit where I was wrong and having that power to know differently now. He said he forgave me and I was eating that up, THINKING that I achieved something! HOWEVER, he might be taking joy in my (brief) "misery," he can have this feeling like he's ONE UP'D me, but he knows me better than that; he knows I NEVER stay down FOR LONG and I STAY READY for A COME UP. It's still all love to him; I don't hate him and I don't and won't pray for his downfall. I leave with these Bible verses Luke 6:27-36 and Proverbs 24:17 and THAT'S where I begin my healing.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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