More so now than ever (though, it's a recurring theme in my life evidently), I've been overly preoccupied with the concept of me simply not existing anymore. Some days, it's not necessarily about the wanting of death, but about not wanting to merely BE. I don't even know where "being" is, or if it's even attainable, and so I stay in a state of languishment and I keep searching. Everyday, I shut down more and more. I don't really want to close myself off, but whenever I think I'm on that cusp of unraveling, I think to myself "are they really hearing me?", and I tuck it back away. I tune out because it hurts my heart more to have that sudden realization that what I'm saying is kind of being "brushed off" because the other person is only skimming over my words so they can get back to talking about themselves and their lives, because maybe their heart is just as heavy, too. Maybe I've made it that way (unintentionally) where it's so easy for everyone to open up to me because I make them comfortable to do so and I'm a great listener but then, where's a "me" to do that with? I just end up feeling lonely and stuck inside my own head and trapped with my thoughts, but it's no longer simple "loneliness" now and that's where I've begun to struggle... There's this sting of extreme emptiness creeping inside of me and I kind of hold it in because crying doesn't seem fitting enough to help. I sink into hollowness and I reflect on how can I continue existing with such an aching soul and how all I can seem to do is let out deep sighs throughout the day for temporary relief. This constant ambivalence that exists within me is conflicting in itself as well. Like, how can everything hurt yet I feel this nothingness at the same time? All day I contemplate this and how I can manage in such a tumultuous state... I thought about diving into the whole "existential crisis" thing but I'm exhausted right now and my eye hurts terribly so here's this article instead https://www.learning-mind.com/existential-crisis/ . Also, I thought blogging about this would be a release, somehow, but it's not at all because I know this is only just the tip of the iceberg because I don't think I can ever fully UNLEASH the things that I persistently bury on a daily basis... It always seems like it would all be for nothing if I did so I don't.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
|