I feel like I'm going nowhere in life. I didn't even make it thru military school, I still haven't started college, haven't had a real job in who knows how long, right now I'm unemployed and writing on a blog no one will probably ever read I can't say that this is my lowest, because I have definitely had some major blows and shitty lows in my life, but the disappoint I feel in myself never ceases to decrease. I am a prisoner to my own mind and I know it, severely pessimistic for the most part. I want to be a better person, I do, and I've tried but someway, somehow I always manage to fuck it up without fail. I don't want to be perfect, but I want to be better than what I am It sounds do-able but why can't I get it right??? You know, I've attempted suicide at least 3 times and I don't need or want that whole lecture about "Well obviously you must be here for a purpose", blah, blah, blah speech. No, I "survived" because I chose the method of using pills to carry out my deed I used the wrong pills. I think it was just a thousand something worth of ibuprofen, which only gave me a peaceful, long, drowsy sleep. The second time was during BCT and I took whatever meds I had around then I went around asking for pain killers. One of my battle buddies figured out what I was doing,made me drink a ton of water and I threw some of it up, that was just a fail. Anyways, I lost where I was...Oh yeah, being a disappointment. I have all the love in world from my family, I'm sure, but that doesn't stop the "voices" in my head telling me to give up. Everyday is a battle to drive forward and make it better than the day before but it never helps. I could never be a parent, I wouldn't want to pass on my resentment and mess up their lives too.Whatever, maybe I'm just being overdramatic and making issues in my own mind, as always, because it's always my fault anyway,right? :/
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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