On days like this, it's so hard to move. I beg my body to get out of bed and to soldier on for the day. I become so withdrawn from the world that I retreat so deeply within myself and I have to find the courage to come back out and try again. I find that I would rather keep everything held within myself because I feel as if I just come off as annoying and burdensome to others. It's either that, or I feel like they think I'm exaggerating my mental pains and they try to generalize it and that actually hurts me even more. I'm not making it up and I'm not seeking attention for it. I just want to be able to talk to someone and receive the same kind of compassion and understanding that I show and give when others come to me. Why am I always such a great conduit for others to release all of their shit to but when it's my turn I just feel neglected? I don't even feel comfortable trying to fully open up to anyone in my life because I end up feeling awkward and like they aren't even really listening. I'm not making out my feelings to be something they're not. They are real. Please see that they are valid. What I feel is real. Why would I want to purposely feel this way? It doesn't feel good and no, I can't just make them "stop" or "go away." On days like this, I wish I could disappear for forever. I struggle with thoughts swarming in my mind of what I can do to just make it all stop and I try to reason with myself that, one day, I won't feel like this anymore and I can't let my "temporary" feelings carry me away. I find myself apologizing often for my feelings but I shouldn't have to write off how I feel because others don't understand them. On days like this, I want so badly to just give up and get it over with.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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