The other day, I was on the phone with my dad, and I was bawling my eyes out because I was feeling so frustrated and like I didn't know what I was doing anymore, as in with my life. I get like that sometimes quite frequently actually; one day I'm just moving and grooving along and then, seemingly out of the blue, I'm like WHAT THE FUCK, FUCK!!! WHO THE FUCK AM I?. I clearly border between having an existential crisis every other week and I'll get back to that. Anyway, I'm on the phone with my dad and he says something that made my heart feel at ease and I've been thinking about it for the past few days. He said "sometimes, it's like you're wearing sunglasses and everything seems foggy, and sometimes you have to leave somewhere and it's like you take your sunglasses off and everything is clearer and you grow and mature." Something about that coming from him just made me feel like I made sense again. I was sad because I started feeling like I'm only a blip in FL, a nameless, faceless blip but I started really wondering if I was ever really someone in Omaha? I don't think I'm nothing, isn't what I'm saying, but I'm working to separate myself from my (ex) husband and find what it means to just be me and not a "me" that's only been a me as someone's wife for my entire adult life up until this point. Is that confusing? In thinking about the conversation with my dad, I think about, how in Omaha, everything was foggy, I felt foggy (can fogginess be an emotion?) and I was so pissed off and depressed all the time and felt like I was getting nowhere. I felt like everyone was just watching me become less and less of myself, including my husband. I hated feeling so alone all the time and I started coping in the most unhealthiest of ways. When I left to Florida, it was like taking off my sunglasses and breathing fresher air because I had no choice but to really. If I was going to be in this new place then I had to be and think in new ways. All of this to say, as much as I'd like to think that, if I could take all that I am now with me, back home, then maybe that would make things okay for me. The truth is, however, I've seen better for myself, I've been better to myself, and my "old" life doesn't fit me anymore. Even if I bitch about a few things on here still, I still know this is a change that I didn't know I needed. I've finally accepted this and now I'm free because that's been holding me back this whole time, thinking I was missing out on something.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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