I almost got on here and vented about how I had slowly come out of my depression but then I felt myself sinking back in as if my mind and soul refused to be "happy" again. This was only last week but I keep trying to power through it because I don't want to feel like that anymore. I also hate when people say that "all you have to do is not stress about anything and be more positive." SHUT UP. It's seriously not that easy and that's not me trying to put it off. Being depressed is like having your "real" self imprisoned inside yourself, fighting to feel "normal" and "free" again but, on the surface, you're on autopilot and lost within yourself trying to find yourself again. If that makes sense? Anyways, I know I have made so much progress but there are WAY TOO MANY days where I feel like the progress means nothing when the majority of the time I want to give up completely and just shut off. I began this year feeling so optimistic and proud of myself but then all of that seemed to slip through my fingers way too easily. I also would like to point out that I don't write on my site looking for pity or sympathy. First, if I did, this is MY site, and second, I feel like this is my safe space to vent, even though it's public. Well, also third, is that if someone reads this then maybe they could relate and no that they're not alone in their battle; feeling alone is the worst feeling to ever feel (at least in my opinion). I hate the stigma of mental illness and all things that fall into that category that is negative and then those dealing with it feel alienated and like they have to hide that part of themselves for fear of persecution in society. Sometimes, I shut off because I don't even feel all that comfortable to open up out loud and communicate that with others, not even people that are close to me in my life. It shouldn't be that hard but I can't always put into words what I'm feeling and I hate having to be made to discuss something I can't really describe (my husband does that a lot and I HATE IT). No one likes that vulnerable feeling and, sometimes, I would rather experience that inward than to feel misunderstood outwardly.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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