I was looking back at pictures of me from a few years ago and I just kept thinking to myself about how "I missed that girl and I can't believe I lost her completely." There's always a wave of "homesickness" that overcomes me whenever I look at old pictures and that's when I miss Me. I relive the memories of the pictures, remembering how euphoric it felt to have this awareness of everything, even with having stopped for a split second, to snap a quick photo. I remember how effortless it was to laugh and to just BE. Then, I find myself reflecting on how short-lived moments are. I know we're all existing in the NOW but, sometimes, I wish time would freeze somehow, or at least slow down and I could linger a little longer. It's like, no matter how much we might try to make that moment last forever, thinking we could stretch it out, it has to end at some point. It's as if we blink and the moment has faded without our permission and all we are left with are these photos. I don't want to get too sidetracked, though I already have a little bit, but that's how I view things in life; through images. I say I miss the girl in the pictures because I'm seeing this side of myself that I've shied away from over the years and it's like seeing a shell version of myself. I look at these pictures and I want to bring that part of me back to life. I don't necessarily want, or even need, to be EXACTLY the person that I was because the me NOW has definitely made positive progress in my growth since then. However, I am suffocating inside myself because I'm mad at myself for letting some of the beautiful parts slip away from me. I want to be that adventurous, kick ass person again. I don't mean I was hardcore or anything in the past but I wasn't so shut off from the world like I've come to be. It's a little pathetic to say but I'm unsure of where to go with these feelings or HOW to stop being so restricted to this box I've locked myself in. I don't know where to begin but I know I have got to give in to myself because I'm over this self-imposed blah feeling. I was the one who willingly chose to "erase" the things I had loved myself for and now it's on me in deciding how to combine my two selves in a way that I don't drown and lose myself to internal conflict. I will continue sculpting myself into the person that I've dreamt of becoming because there will always be demons to battle and I have to be a warrior, not a bystander, for my own life's sake.
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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