What really hurts me is that I just want to be happy with myself and at peace with myself but my OWN MIND is fighting against me. How can I expect anyone to fight with/for me if I can't even save myself? It's like I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel but then this voice comes OUT OF NO FUCKING WHERE and starts filling me with self-doubt and shame. It's not like it's some stranger's voice either, it's my own voice but like a voice I don't know how to mimic in real life. It's like an angry, soft, yet stern type
That last post was kind of long and I had more to say about it so here is the "sequel" to it... I have been stressing about going to go see the psychiatrist, in January, and the diagnosis I'm pretty sure they're going to give me. A part of me feels relieved to have them offically confirm what I feel and to show everyone that I am not "making" it up and that I can finally get the treatment I need to be a healthier me and to know that I am not some crazy girl for the mental and physical experiences that I endure on the daily. The other part of me is nervous and my stomach is in knots. Once the diagnosis is officially called,
I think what really hurts my heart is when I feel like people don't take my depression/mood swings seriously. It's like maybe they think I'm overreacting or am just overly negative and that I can just "drop" the act and cheer the fuck up or something. It hurts because I really am struggling with these powerful emotions but all the world sees is the real act I put on when I try to socialize and make everyone laugh, seemingly like I am not dying a mental death inside. No one wants that "sad" friend around, moping, and
I got this from a writing prompt because I was stuck on what to write. The prompt was about if I had ever witnessed a birth. The question is yes; one birth in my whole entire life. I watched my sister give birth to my niece, Nia, and it was crazy. I was so traumatized and the whole experience was just so much for me to see... This was my sister's third child so she was all into it and pushed with no hesitation. She even had the
When I first learned how to drive, I believe I was about 15 years old. My stepdad taught me and my stepsister, Rae, and 2 sisters, Rachel and Wambli how to officially drive in his old, brown Dodge Ram truck. I remember us piling in the truck, crowding into the front section as we tried to get our lessons in. He drove us to this area, way down the street from my mom's house and all we did was practicing steering at first. I remember how I kept stopping at the rail road sign because I remember how school
You ever been so sad that you're literally upset? It's like, you are just so deep in sorrow that you are angry and you are blinded by such rage that you get even more flustered and pissed off. I was having this conversation with my friend, Jason, I believe, and we were talking about this. I think the conversation was with him but I'm not sure so whatever. It got me thinking about how sad I get that I am just so angry at the universe. Then, the deep seated anger, for me, comes from this unfounded sadness that creates
|
About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
|