I am so happy I got the chance to ever experience being your little sister. We were never as close as we should have been but I am grateful for the time we did have together and for all that you ever tried to do for me. The last real memory I have with you was when you took me and Khalil out for our birthdays. You picked me up from this barbershop and seen me get out of the car with this dude, and even though I told you nothing was going on (which it really wasn't), you got all "protective big brother" on the guy and told me to get in the car. I thought it was embarrassing at the time but now I think it was the coolest thing ever that you were looking out for your little sister and weren't ready to see her with boys (even though
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I was so upset that I couldn't find this picture, at first, in one of my old phones. This is literally the only picture I have with my brother and it was almost gone forever. I must've scrolled through the gallery too fast to find it, but I decided to look one more time and there it was!!! What I almost love most about the picture is that I remember the brief pause we took for it that day. It wasn't anything major, or even some special occasion, going on, but he'd come over to my mom's house to see our other brother. My heart was so happy at the sight of his face, I couldn't believe it. Now, I can't believe that he's gone from me. I'll never see his face again and now I won't have this face running around; a face so similar to mine (besides my dad). I refuse to accept that he's gone and ripped away from us. I can't believe I'm without a sibling. I can't believe his kids are without a dad. I can't believe my dad is without his son. I just want him to be back here with all of us, but I know his mom is taking good care of him in Heaven and they're finally reunited.
At first, I was feeling guilty that I didn't take the time to get know my dad's side of the family. I was feeling like maybe I had neglected that side and I wasn't giving them the chance. But now, I don't think I care to know about spending more time with them. I haven't been seeing them and I don't feel that we will ever have that bond like I have with my mom's family. What also has been making me really upset with everything going on, is that I feel like they keep forgetting that he was my BROTHER. I understand
I am honestly still in disbelief about my brother being gone. I'm sad but it still hasn't really hit me yet that he's really gone. I just want to see his face one last time. I NEED to see his face one last time. I need him to be alive and well. My heart just hurts because I just feel so guilty about our relationship. We weren't as close as we should have been and with our sister. I didn't even mind the distance, at the time, because I thought we would all get around to it, like it was just some big chore for us to bond or something. I never thought he wouldn't be around to grow into old age and to always be there for us. My brother was shot and killed. He died in his truck and all I can think about is was his death
So, I found out yesterday that my oldest brother, Man, was shot and killed. I still just don't want to believe it, honestly. It's all so surreal to me. Even when I called my dad to verify, the sound of him crying still wasn't enough to make me a believer. I still just want to believe that they identified the wrong person and it's not true. I wasn't extremely close with my eldest brother but that doesn't change that fact that I was and will always be his baby sister. The last real memory I have with him is my 18th birthday when he took me and my nephew out because we have the same birthday and it was something we used to do when we were
I talk a lot about how I reread some of my old journals from back in high school. I also do the same with some of my old blog posts on my site. I like to see the direct changes I have made through my writing and I can definitely see them. In my actual journals, I was so involved with my first love, just so pathetically in love with him. Then, I was dealing with all of my shitty relationships and all the drama that I kept finding myself in when the relationship wasn't working and I thought that no one would ever love me because
For reference of this post, go to my archives and click on March 2014. I think it's titled "Virginity, Sex, & My 8th Grade Mind." I'm not sure exactly what the title is but that's kind of where this post is coming from just to give you an idea. So, I lost my virginity at 13 to my boyfriend who was 18. I don't know how long we had been in the relationship before we had sex. I mean the whole relationship only last about 4 months before I broke it off so it was pretty soon. Now, I had never had those "special" thoughts about how I wanted to lose my virginity. I didn't make my first time out to be some big thing, though, I wish I
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About the AuthorI got the idea to create a blog in December 2014 on a random type of day.Writing has always been therapeutic; the only way I could communicate clearly, in actual words instead of struggling to unscramble the swirl of images, metaphors & analogies that is my thought process. In short, Archives
February 2020
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